


(Un)natural Thoughts

by samdil, The_Infinant_One



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-04 12:43:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12169113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samdil/pseuds/samdil, https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Infinant_One/pseuds/The_Infinant_One
Summary: Bittersweet 2 part reddie. When boy likes boy, things can get complicated when one can’t accept his truth.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Leave kudos, comment or share if you liked it. Or all three idk. Special thanks to @the_infinant_one for beta reading because that was a big help. (rich-ditch14 on tumblr) they’ve got some pretty cool things on their accounts!!

  
The summer of 1989 was definitely… eventful for Eddie, and that’s not even the best word to describe it.

With some sort of evil clown thing trying to kill him and his friends all summer, “eventful” will never be a strong enough a word to describe it. However, a lot more happened that summer than just that. That summer was also when he realized that he may not like girls. He could pinpoint the exact moment he came to this realization. It was when the Losers Club had gone to the house on Neibolt Street to chase after Bill. When the floor had fallen out from under him and he had broken his arm, Eddie was certain he was going to die that day. Had Bev not speared a rod through It’s eye he very well might have, but past all his fear was an indescribable feeling. Eddie definitely didn’t feel safe in that moment, but he felt something other than fear when Richie Tozier held onto his face and stared into his eyes telling him it wasn’t real.

For a brief moment, he forgot everything.

He forgot his arm was broken, he forgot he was about to die, because Richie was there, and Richie was going to keep him safe. He just knew he would. Of course, that didn’t last as Richie took him out of his thoughts by attempting to snap his arm back into place.  
  
“Do not fucking touch me!” Was all he kept repeating to the other boy.

The events that happened afterwards was a blur.. He knows Bev saved them, and he knows his mom came to get him giving he and his friends an earful, going on about how fragile he is. While his mom ranted, all he could think about was how a simple touch from Richie was all he needed to feel slightly better about his imminent death. Books and movies always said that’s how love makes you feel, and the words felt right in his head. _‘I love Richie Tozier_ ’ kept ringing through his head for days after.

—-  
“Mom?” Eddie asks, sitting next to her trying to get her attention away from the TV.

“Yes, sweetie?” She replied, giving him attention, but never looking at him directly.

“Is it normal for me to like boys? Like the same way you do?”

A silence fell across the room for a moment, giving Eddie the answer that he didn’t want. She finally turned to him, and cupped his cheek, trying to be comforting.

“No sweetie. No. It's not. It’s okay though. I’ll call the doctor tomorrow and he’ll make sure you get better.”

Eddie didn’t feel good knowing that this was just another thing he needed to be treated for, but he didn’t have any other choice but to obey his mother.  
—-

“So Eddie, your mother tells me you’re having unnatural thoughts about other boys?” The doctor states, asking him to confirm what he’s saying.

“I-I mean, it doesn’t feel unnatural.” He’s looking down at his blank cast, avoiding the gazes from his mother and doctor.

The doctor shook his head and pet out a soft chuckle, as if to say ‘it's obvious’. “Oh but my boy, it is. Luckily for you though there’s an easy solution. Just repress it.”

“How?” Eddie felt ashamed. For the first time, he felt like he was truly a loser. So messed up he even needed a doctor to help him feel the right way.

“Easy. Every time you think about another boy in...that way. Just push it to the back of your mind and think about girls. I’m sure there are some hot chicks you can think of. Your mom doesn’t have to know.” He smirked suggestively, trying to play around when what he was really doing was making Eddie want to crawl up into a hole and die. Instead, he offered a weak laugh and smile.

“Thanks, doc. I’ll try.”

“Atta boy. See you when it’s time to take that cast off okay, bud?”

“Yes sir.” Eddie hopped down from the exam table and sulked his way into the car, and from the car to his bed where he planned on spending the rest of his summer. Until, of course, the worst happened. It had Bev, and it was up to him and the rest of the Losers to save her.  
—-  
With It gone, and the children of Derry safe again, they all sat together with the weight of the world off their shoulders. Bill made them swear they’d come back if It ever did, and they took a blood oath to prove it. Shortly after, the gang all made their separate ways. Richie following after Eddie, trying to catch up.

“Eds, Eds. Wait up. I have something to tell you.”

Eddie stopped and turned around to face him. “I told you not to call me that.” He secretly kinda liked it, having a pet name. ‘ _Bad thought_ ’ Eddie scolded himself. ‘ _Turn it off. Hot girls. Hot girls’_

“Eddie? Are you listening to me?”

Eddie shook himself out of his daze, “Sorry. What did you say?”

“I said, I like you. A lot. The way Bill likes Bev.”

Eddie’s face became bright red. He looked down to avoid looking at him when he broke the bad news to him.

“That’s not natural Richie. Boys shouldn’t like boys. We need to be normal. We can’t like each other.”

“What do you mean?” Richie’s face read a mixture of hurt and confusion, two things that one would almost never see on his face.  
  
“I-I went to the doctor. They said liking boys isn’t normal, but we can repress it. Pretend to like girls. Fake it till you make it.”

“Dude. Are you fucking serious right now?” Eddie looked up and saw that Richie was tearing up and it was his fault. He was making Richie, _his_ Richie, cry.

“Rich, I’m sorry. If I could—”

“Don’t give me that crap alright?” Richie cried“Because you can. You _can_ but you _won’t_ , because you’re a fucking pussy.”

“Don’t call me that!”

“Well, that's what you are. A quivering pussy. I finally got to a point where I could accept that I like you and you fucking tell me I’m a freak and I’m back at square one!”

“I’m sorry. I-“

“Well apology not accepted Eddie. I’m out of here.”

As soon as both boys were out of each other’s sight, they both began crying, both earning stares from the people they passed on the street. Neither really caring.  
—-  
And now here he was, 27 years later, being told It was back, and that he’d have to face not just It, but Richie again. And somehow that felt harder than fighting some fucking clown again.

 


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPECIAL THANKS TO MY BUDDY FOR EDITING THIS CHAPTER AS WELL! TRULY AN ICON.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to kam for helping me out with editing again. What a kween. Make sure to let us know if you like it!!

Eddie sat restlessly in the back of the car, twiddling his thumbs dreading the moment he had to see Richie again.

What was he going to say? _Hey man! Sorry I made you cry, but I’ve been madly in love with you since we were 14 and I haven’t stopped since?_

He simultaneously had everything and nothing to say. _What if Richie didn’t feel the same way anymore? What if he hates me for what I said?_

The thoughts of everything that could go wrong ran around in his head, giving him a headache from the uncertainty. If only he could have said something different the day Richie confessed his feelings. Richie wasn’t necessarily wrong. He was a pussy, but he won’t be this time. He’ll tell Richie how he feels, but how? He’d like to pretend the answers will come to him at the moment, but he knows himself and knows he’ll be tongue-tied in the presence of his former best friend. Maybe he could start with a long-winded apology, followed by him confessing he’s loved him since he was 14, and kiss him at least once before he’s rejected. That sounds good.

He could do that.

_He has to._

——

When Eddie saw Mike, he felt like he was home.

Seeing all of his friends back together brought back memories both good and bad, both kinds of memories having flecks of the opposite in them; like the day he broke his arm, also holds the memory of him realizing he loved Richie, and the day they defeated It holding memories of losing him. Warm greetings and hugs were passed around among the old friends like a day hasn’t passed.   
Everyone looked the same, yet totally different. They were all older obviously, but they looked happier now, and that showed even in their current circumstance. Especially Richie. He looked the same as when he left Derry. Same curly hair, same coke bottle glasses, except now he looked a bit more clean cut. His curls were shorter and his bright Hawaiian shirts and shorts were replaced with plain shirts and jeans.

He was still the same old Richie, Eddie could tell just by looking at him, but he was more grown up now. Not quite as impulsive, so maybe now he could think before he spoke. Richie smiled ear to ear at the sight of Eddie.

“Eddie spaghetti,” he said, dragging out the i in spaghetti, going in for a hug. Eddie instinctively held out his hand offering a handshake as if he were afraid to get too close because if he did, he may never let go. Richie’s face dropped at the rejection now refusing even the handshake.

“How are you, Richie?” Eddie asked politely, but awkwardly.

Richie picked his smile back up, obviously fake. Eddie knew the difference after years of seeing him come to school, pretending everything is okay so nobody asked about home, versus the end of the day when he was himself and surrounded by those he loved. His real home, instead of his house.

“I’m good. I love my job, I’m glad to see everyone again. I just wish it were under different circumstances.” Richie sighed crossing his arms over his chest, grinning ear to ear.

“Same here. Has anyone seen Stanley?” Eddie asked.

Richie shook his head, “not yet, I’m sure he’ll be here soon though. He made the oath. Just like the rest of us.”

Eddie nodded in agreement.   
——  
When Mike got the call that Stanley had killed himself, the entire night’s mood shifted. Mike didn’t have to tell them, they all knew deep down from the start. They all just hoped they were wrong. Nobody blamed him for what he did, in fact, Richie questioned why he didn’t do the same. They just wished that he was here so they’d all be united when they took Pennywise down once and for all. Instead of telling warm stories about the good old days, nobody wanted to look at each other let alone reflect on memories when one of them is missing.

Nobody slept that night.

Whether out of fear, grief, or both, it didn’t matter. Why should it matter?

They all sat in the center of the old library in a circle, except Eddie, who sat between Mike and Richie, but a few feet back, trying to lose his thoughts in some random book he found in the classics earlier without success. He looked up and everyone was in the same spots as before. Bill and Mike sat next to each other, lost in thought, possibly planning what to do when they have to face It. Ben and Bev are scrolling on their phones probably trying to distract themselves as well, and Richie was staring at him.

Eddie moved up and closer to Richie, speaking quietly so only Richie could hear, but everyone knew what they had to talk about, suddenly everyone was much more interested in whatever it was they were doing.

“Richie, I wanna talk to you about earlier.” Eddie swallowed his nervousness, wondering what reaction Richie would give.

Richie turned his head to look and sighed, “Eddie it’s okay. If you’re still afraid of my feelings towards you then that’s fine, but now isn’t the time to talk about it.”

Eddie took a deep breath in, steadying himself before speaking, “That’s just it though. We lost Stanley, what if one of us dies too? What if now is the only chance we have to talk about it?”

Richie cupped his cheek, much like he did that day on Neibolt street, “Don’t say that, okay? We’re going to be fine. We’re both going to make it out of this and we can talk about it then.”

Forgetting himself, Richie guided Eddie’s face with his hand slowly and kissed Eddie’s forehead. It was soft, sweet, and brief. More like a brush of the lips on his forehead than an actual kiss, but it still meant everything to Eddie. Richie pulled away quickly, expecting to see Eddie look disgusted, or angry. Instead of seeing him blush and rest his head on Richie’s shoulder. There was a lot of unspoken agreements they made from their brief exchange. The most important being that they felt the same way they did 27 years ago.   
——  
Richie held onto Eddie as he lay there bleeding out, trying his damned hardest to be strong for him.

“Eds, Eddie, Eddie Spaghetti, you can’t leave me. We haven’t talked about it yet! Come on just hold on. We’ll get you help. Just stay—” he let his tears fall, loud sobs making it hard to speak, “Just stay awake for a little while longer.”

He looked behind at the other losers, who were just standing there watching numbly.

“Do something! We can still save him. Why aren’t you doing anything? It’s okay Eds. You’ll be okay.” Richie tenderly brushed stray strands of hair that was plastered to Eddie’s sweat covered forehead. He was hoping for a miracle. That Eddie would miraculously pull through and they could be together like he’d always dreamed they would, but just like everyone knew about Stan, they knew what Eddie’s fate was no matter how they fought it.

“I told you Richie, I—”Eddie smiled faintly, chuckling before choking, and soon he went quiet, the light dying from his eyes.

And just like that, Eddie was gone.

His body went limp and his eyes cold.

Richie gripped onto him tighter, He refused to leave his side despite the efforts of the other losers. Richie can’t remember how long he sat there gripping onto Eddie, it felt like an eternity, everyone else said it was mere minutes before Richie stopped fighting and reluctantly went with them under the condition that Eddie got a proper funeral. Even then, he wouldn’t turn his back on Eddie, even after he was no longer visible, he faced in the same direction the whole way out of the sewer.   
——  
Richie wasn’t sure if he’d ever be truly okay again. He was finally reunited with his childhood best friend and crush. He lost his friend because of that damn demon, and when he had Eddie in arm’s reach he was ripped away again by the demon that separated them in the first place

At least he could say with certainty that after all these years, Eddie Kaspbrak did love Richie “Trash Mouth” Tozier for all his faults.

 


End file.
